Ladies, ladies.  I’ve thought about this a lot, and I decided that I absolutely must write this for you, your husband/date, and everyone else in attendance to a military ball.  Please read this.  Women in the military are beginning to be recognized, which is exactly why I felt I needed to explain these self-imposed rules to you.  Keep a good reputation.  It is the group of women acting like prostitutes in the corner that ruins it for all of the rest of us. This does not mean you need to prance around like the “females you are” (you are a woman of power, remember?!).  It means do not act a fool.  Dress like a mature adult human being, no matter the gender you claim (though this post is mostly directed at dresses, so if you choose to wear a suit you’re already more covered than most of these women and probably do not need most of the following advice!).

The military is small.  You WILL be remembered for the way you dress now for the next 10-20-50 years.  Keep this in mind when shopping for that perfect ball gown to match your striking date-in-uniform.

This weekend I had the privilege of attending the 2013 Old Guard All Ranks Ball.  These soldiers are highly decorated, spend their days working on precision and perfection of subtle details, and work ridiculously strange and long hours.  Their entire career in Arlington revolves around the way they look, their pristine uniforms, and even their personal lifestyle.  Unfortunately for you dates, this is the most vital time of your life to arrive and make them look like they belong here, as well as you.  I was very surprised to see some of the choices for this formal event.  There was a grown woman in tie-dye, one wearing a dress with no middle or back (is that a sports bra?!) and dresses so short we were convinced they were hired escorts.  Don’t get me wrong, some of these girls looked great, and even I would have paid them to come with me.  But they were not dressed appropriately!

In no way am I relating this post to my personal situation, or trying to make enemies or agitated spouses.  There is a rule of etiquette for these events, and it is often misrepresented by the latest and greatest prom wear (are they really wearing that mini-dress to prom?!).  Unfortunately there is a direct and obvious representation of officer’s dates to enlisted dates, and it makes me agitated that someone has not spent the time to make that line more subtle.  I can’t explain why that is, but it is what it is.  Your job, no matter what rank your significant other, is to do your research, find out what is appropriate, and show up to the party ready to stand down and let your date show you off like the awesome, most amazing and wonderfully mature spouse/date you are.

1. If your first glance at a dress is that it looks super sexy, just say no.  This is not your time to show off your assets.  Wait until the after-party, then change in to your best club wear and do your thing.

2. If it is missing any of the following, it is probably not for you: any pieces of the midsection front or back, coverage of your rear end to entirety, coverage of your lower front end to entirety, and coverage of those lovely twins.  As much as we would all love to look like models, the majority of us are not.  This is not the time to get input for your hopeful career in catwalking.

3. A ball means a ball.  Wear a gown!  Dress up like Princess Kate or Cinderella.  I just can’t imagine them in super high heels and short dresses.  This is your chance to look BEAUTIFUL, not like you’ve been paid to be there.

4. Try to avoid excessive makeup.  You are naturally beautiful.  If you want to get it done, hit the spa, get your hair and nails done (conservatively), and make a day of pampering yourself, so be it.  It is supposed to be a fun night, and you have the opportunity to get all dressed up.  However, the Ball will be dark, there is no need for Cruella in there.  Men love a natural girl.  Seriously, be yourself.

5. When the music starts playing, in no way does that signify that the floor is open for you to booty pop, grind, or make out on the dance floor with your date.  It is awkward, tasteless, and the boys WILL remember you as THAT girl.  Just embarrassing.  Then you’ll really love it when the photos come out later of that beautiful girl with that good-looking guy and you and your date are sucking face in the background.  Honestly, just wait until you are home.  The wait will surely be worth it.

6. Do not get drunk to the point of no return.  This is NOT your day.  This is your date’s day, and he is here with his co-workers.  His bosses, his co-workers, and his employees.  Do not ruin this work event for him.  If he gets sloppy, it is your job to pick up the pieces and hobble home with his arm around your neck.  There is nothing worse than a military wife losing one of her “girls” on the dance floor and not even knowing.  Be classy.

7. Please, please learn how to eat a formal meal without needing a bib.  Your date has spent a lot of money to get you there, the least you could do is learn not to slurp your soup or spit out your bread laughing at someone’s jokes.  They may not know you’ve been studying, but your date will be appreciative.  This doesn’t mean you have to be a lame about it, but at least chew with your mouth closed and hold back those rancid, (yet often hilarious) and untimely burps.

8. Do not, I repeat, do not talk about another person in a negative way to your spouse at these events.  Whether you are seeing the weirdest, most provocative dress you’ve ever seen, or a soldier with toilet paper stuck to his shoe (you could tell your spouse to subtly mention this one…)- lock it up, and talk about it in PRIVATE to your date AFTER the event.  Chances are, you WILL run in to them again, someone will repeat what you had said, and you will be in a whole world of mess when their spouse “discusses” this comment with your soldier.  Yet again, this is a work event and they are work spouses.  Nod and smile, chuckle to yourself, and drink your two allocated beers.

If you are still questioning what might be appropriate for an event like this, think either ball gown, royal event, or bridesmaid.  A good material is chiffon, which hides imperfections but can still dress up sexy.  The Dessy Group has a lot of very appropriate formal dresses.

As I said, these are just a few of the pointers I have for an event like this.  I am more than happy to let you know what is appropriate/not appropriate for a spouse of any rank to wear to a formal event.  You can email me here.